I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
