the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
