I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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