I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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