I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
