Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
