saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Text me some of your sweat
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
