that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
