I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
