I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
