I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
