I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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