he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
