How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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