No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
