You're my little dorito
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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