yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
