Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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