Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
