What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
