why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
