After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
