moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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