Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
