Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
