AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
