So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
My dick has a subreddit
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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