I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
