I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
My ass is underappreciated
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
