So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Don't tell me you're on acid again
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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