Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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