i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
