FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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