your parents love me but you hate me
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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