there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
people are starting to question the shark bite story
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
