So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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