my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
