I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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