help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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