The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
