I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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