you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
