Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
