just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
