I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
