i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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