I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
