Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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