Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
