his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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